I felt like since I am pretty much the only one who knows I have this blog that I would vent to myself to see if it makes me feel better. So here we go:
For the past month my husband has been booked on landscape. Great, great for him. He has been leaving for work between 430am and 530am and is usually coming home around 9pm....sometimes later but that is the average. His kids have seen him even less than I have as I try to wait up for him. So as you can see I have been a single parent for a month, and I don't like it. I am physically and mentally wore down. So worn down that I now have a crazy cold that is kicking my butt!!
It finally caught up with me today. The resentment and anger. But understand I am like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde when it comes to this topic. I want my husband to be happy, successful, and stress free. Right now I am just not understanding why giving those things to him, takes them from me? Last night was the straw. I am sick and Monday night I had taken my night-night pills and gone to sleep, Roger woke me over and over again because he was dreaming...3am, 4am...hello I have to be up at 5am and if you don't get the full amount of sleep on those you are done for. So all day yesterday my butt was dragging....oh just to make it home and crawl into bed, then my dreams came true....RAIN!!!!
He called to say he was done for the day and I thought, yeah a day off from EVERYTHING. I can get off work and just drive straight HOME!! Crawl into bed Daddy is home!!!! Alas, a word I never use, Alas the call came at 3pm, can you pick up the kids....Sure why not I do every single day, why should today be different. So I get the kids and we get home and I have already told them how the night will go. I got them in the house and we talked about the day and I dozed off Bennie get hitting my chair and waking me up, with Roger sitting 3 feet from me. Did he say anything....no. Kids what do you want for dinner? Pizza great......OK I will get up and start the oven. Then I dozed off and I heard the beep beep saying the oven was warm.....Ok I guess I can get up and put it in. Beep Beep....Are you serious.....Thank God he is moving toward the stove. What do you all want to drink....I'm sorry why are you asking a 3 & 5 year old what they want? We have Milk with dinner and its white and that is the way its been for over 3 weeks...
Kids are done, we are all on the couch, and I am not going to lie, the house is not a pig sty, but it could use a picking up, but I am sick and have been for 2 days, so I figured it could wait until I get a full nights sleep. Both boys are basically trying to sit on top of Roger, its 530-6pm, they have been home for 1-1-1/2hrs, and Roger flips out. Well if there was more room on the couch, the house is a mess, don't you ever pick up.....So much for rest now I am just mad and I am cleaning the entire house. Look here is my complaint. While he is off doing whatever he does work OR play, I have cleaned the house, switched over clothes from Summer to Winter, Goodwill donations, paid bills, worked, worked out, dropped the boys, picked them up, deposited checks, bought groceries, picked out a cake, made birthday invites, mailed the invites, scrubbed toilets, showers, done all the laundry, put it away, and in all those things not a mention of how nice something looks, Thank you, you are a great wife, lets go out to dinner, rather THIS HOUSE IS A PIG STY, "why don't you ever clean up around here?".
Are you fricken serious? That is what I get, you know that in my weakened state, well if you know me you know what I wanted to tell him to do. Instead I just made sarcastic remarks under my breath while I cleaned. Then I put the kids in the shower washed them, clothed them, read Tucker's new library book to him and Bennie, responded to to Tuckers teachers, typed up an invoice for Roger's customer, checked emails, took my ambien and told him to whatever I am going to bed finally!!!!!
So what does a wife do, I mean it's not like I have been with him for 5 years, I already know if I tell him what my day/week entails he will get defensive and tell me how hard he slaves and on and on. If I say nothing I will get more and more angry, if I drink I will not feel good tomorrow. If I get more angry and angry eventually I will end up taking it out on the boys, and I don't think that is fair to them, they have been pretty good while they have been with me...not perfect, but as good as a 3 and 5 year old can be. Any given day of the week. So I don't know, but the more he is gone the less connected I feel to him, the less committed I feel to him, and the more I think, if I had to do this on my own I could, so why don't I. He is gone all the time now, pretty soon it will be winter and he will be gone all the time then so......What is the diff?
Also something else that is bothering me....This guy at work, everyday inappropriate comments of a sexual nature. It talks about my tights, shoes, my ass....Come on I am the HR Manager, plus it makes me feel gross!!!! Yuck! HELP ME I AM LOSING MY MIND!!! Dad why do I drink so much? I do it to forget what my day was like and what my life has become. All you crazy people that think having kids is the next logical step...It's not, it changes the whole game, and it changes it forever. There is no turning back, and there is no worse feeling than saying these words out loud. So do me a favor, think about it before you have kids and get married...Oh if I could only talk to my 18 year old self....boy would I have some things to tell her!!!!
Oh and before you judge me for my honesty, even though I have no idea if anyone even knows about this page anymore, but know who used to. Take a walk in my real world. That would be the one that I am honest about everything. There is something I knew but finally said out loud recently. I am the only one who says her mind no matter the outcome because I believe that you should be tru to yourself. You should not do or say things for the sake of other or to make yourself look good to others. This is my life it is real, and it is I am sure what a ton of other women experience. So take walk in these heels for a day, I promise you will return them to Kohls at the end of the day!!!!
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