What do we deserve?
No one is supposed to take this personally, but the comment led me to deep thought and reflection so I am going to write about it. I am only posing the question to parents and soon to be parents.
So I was thinking as 40 is quickly approaching and I was reflecting on how much the boys are changing and growing. Tucker’s speech is making leaps and bounds thanks to Ms. Debbie (his teacher at Preschool). We are saying words like Snowmobile, Snake, Smack….it is truly amazing, but I digress. Here is the question to ponder. When do we stop being parents? When do we “deserve” to be happy?
I started to relate this question to myself. The first option is what a lot of parents will joke about; well when they are 18 years old they are out of here!! Then I thought well that is not altogether true, as there is college to contend with, and if the boys play sports, there will be football games to attend, I don’t know snowmobile racing…….The possibilities are endless. Then they will graduate. Then it’s over right?
Well then I thought no, what if they continue in sports, they need help with a job, dating, more SPORTS? Then there is the marriage thing, Christmas, Thanksgiving holidays, vacations. Then the grandkids, hopefully all boys, I am partial to boys now. Then being a part of the grandkids lives, watching them grow, their activities, maybe even their walks of faith?
The question posed that I know someone will take exception to is, “When do I deserve to be happy?”
I really thought about that and not how it applied to the generation before me, but how it really applies to me and Roger. I would love to hear to response back. Shelly, you would be a good one, Mindi you are a mommy, even my sisters or readers who have not made that decision to have children yet. When is it YOUR time?
The answer from me came quickly and without question.
NEVER & ALWAYS.
I will explain: Roger and I were fertility challenged for the better part of 10 years. Mom would tell me, “Maybe God did not want you to have children. That is something that you need to deal with”. It was a hard thing to hear, but maybe she was right? That is when we started collecting dogs. We loved them. They were our children. Then after losing weight, my body REBOOTED. God blessed me with 2 beautiful boys and that is when the NEVER and ALWAYS began. The day Tucker James came into the world at 8lbs even, @ 3:08pm that Tuesday afternoon, that was the day I committed the rest of my life to NEVER looking back, and ALWAYS being happy. I would ALWAYS live for my sons and in reflection for their sons as well. That was the path I willfully chose. I did not have to have children. I could have gone about my life with the dogs, taking vacations (Oh MEXICO I MISS YOU!), buying for me, taking care of me……
When we have children, we cannot turn off and on the parent card. We are their mommies and daddies forever, in this life and even in the life that we will have eternally with Christ. So when do I deserve to be happy. I DESERVED it December 20th, 2005 and October 26th, 2007 respectively. Those were the days that GOD chose for me to be happy forever. My life was no longer mine. It was no longer about me. It was all about making them happy until I go to be with my LORD. Now do not get me wrong. I look forward to the day when I can say. “Tucker and Ben, Mommy and Daddy are going out to a movie; bedtime is 11, call if there is a problem.” There is no doubt about that. But if I think too much about that day, I will lose all the ones in between, with the sing me Jesus mommy, Mommy I like you, You awesome Mommy……I will lose them. So I do not think too much about that movie that I can see without the babysitter needed, because there are too many good times to be had before that day comes. Then once that day comes, it will mean that they will need me less too.
We all make decisions when we become parents. We all make decisions AS parents, and right or wrong, they are our decisions, not those of our children. They did not ask us to come to life, we gave it to them.
So I have my answer, what is yours? Do you deserve to be happy, or are you already happy? Have you been living your life, or having you been doing your chores? It’s food for thought in how we think about things. Certainly made me rethink things. I must say, sometimes deep reflection can be liberating and make you appreciate what you have!! Understand my answer, may not be your answer. We are all different and think differently. So this is just my brain on love, why did you have kids? Why do you want kids? What do you want in your life to make you happy?
Boys MOMMY LOVES YOU!
This might get long...
ReplyDeleteFirst, I think we, as American's and more so in the younger generations, have learned a worldview that says, "We DESERVE to have the world handed to us on a silver platter with nearly zero effort on our parts." I know that's not what you're saying in this post, but the influence is there. Our culture teaches, "me, me, me, ME, MEEEE." It's part of what factors into shoddy relationships and marriages where you hear women complaining, "MY needs aren't being met," without any focus on what the woman's expectations are as to what they should be bringing into the marriage and what they should contribute to their husband.
HAPPINESS is the ultimate goal in our society. If we aren't HAPPY we aren't satisfied and how awful for us to sacrifice self and not be happy.
I think the trick in part is to learn a new way of thinking. To find JOY even in the midst of our struggles. Take a look at Job in the Bible, how often did things go wrong for him and still he rejoiced in the Lord. I know that is often easier said than done, but I'm thankful that God has slowly been able to open my eyes and teach me how to maintain joy regardless of my circumstances. Josh has contributed greatly in that department, leading by example in staying relaxed and letting the unimportant go without getting riled up the way I tend to.
It's easy to focus on the negatives. I once heard that it takes 7 compliments to negate a criticism. The negative holds such weight. Often we overlook our blessings because the beauty of a sunny day is lost in the midst of driving in nasty traffic. Or the peace and smiles of morning cuddles are quickly lost in the rush to get out of the house on time.
See, I told you this would get long.
I think too that as we grow up, what once made us happy before is no longer as appealing. We just think about it more because it's harder to obtain (like date night out with the hubby now that there are children involved). I think it's important to figure out what's at the core of the desire. Is it a break from your kids? Is it the time to reconnect with your husband? Is it longing for a time where there were fewer responsibilities? Whatever that core is if it's important enough ask God to help you find a way to recapture that within your current situation.
For instance, I know women who've managed to arrange for earlier bedtimes for their children so that mom and dad can spend an hour or two in the evening alone to reconnect.
Lastly, here's a phrase I picked up from another blogger, something she would say to her misbehaving children, "I will not allow you to steal my joy." Your children can't be responsible for your mood or your happiness. You can choose to be happy regardless of the situation. If you can teach them that lesson before they leave the house, how much the better? Here's the article, I highly recommend it: Betty Duffy
Life is not supposed to be easy. I think if it is easy then we miss out on many of the joys and celebrations that come with the success of meeting our challenges head-on. Having children is NOT easy. But how rewarding is it, not only to have their love, but to be part of the miracle of their growth? How joyous is it when you see them take those first steps? Teach them to read? See them continue to learn and love under our guidance? I wouldn't give up the potential of all that joy just to avoid the difficulties that will surely come with temper tantrums, potty training, dirty diapers, dating, hormones...etc. :)
You can find happiness in the midst of chaos. It just takes a little more work and problem solving.
I apologize if this is less than coherent, I haven't gotten all my sleep yet.
Love you sis!
My darling Carrie. You deserve to be happy every day of your life, with or without children, a husband or a dog! Happiness comes first from knowing the love of your heavenly father, then the love of yourself, and finally from the love of others.
ReplyDeleteYou wake up in the morning and you're happy to be alive. You drive to work and you're happy to have a job. You find a close parking spot and you're happy all the while giving thanks to God.
You're kids go off to school and you're happy because day care expense will go down but sad because a new phase has started in your life and your child's life.
Your children graduate high school and you're glad they have a diploma and sad that the law says they're 18 and an adult. (Who dictated that)?
Your children go off to college and you're glad they're getting a college degree and will be able to support themselves and sad that your umblical cord is being stretched even further.
It goes on and on but in all of it you are glad that we are doing what we're suppose to be doing, progressing through life, one day at a time, moving closer to Him and our eternal home.
Love Mom
For my part, I didn't realize just how selfish I was until I became a mom. I always envisioned parenting as happily sacrificing and bending over backwards for our children (and that certainly happens sometimes -- like when there's a health crisis), but there have been plenty of times I've thought, "Won't you just go to sleep so I can get some sleep too, Jonathan?" I don't make a very good sleep-deprived mom. I can get kind of inpatient, and I always feel bad about it later.
ReplyDeleteThere are so many things in life that can give us happiness. One of the podcasts I listen to mentions that if we aren't feeling fulfilled in life, it's because we're trying to "get life" from something other than Christ. Only he can really satisfy all our needs.
I totally agree with that, but it's not always easy for emotions to get in line with what your head says -- especially in the environment we're in where, like Shelli said, we keep getting the message that it's all about us.
I know I'd be happier if I tried to stay more centered on Christ. That's something I still need to work on, I guess. (Seems like that's something I always need to work on.)