Why Argue II......

Isn't it bad enough that there is a II behind that title? Inferring that there was a first and now a second? What do you do when you cannot calmly talk to someone and make them see? I can honestly say that I have had it. I cannot fight in front of my boys. I do not want them hiding in closets and under beds and under toys.

I do have a new appreciation for my mom's marriage to my dad. My marriage is very much starting to mimic that one. Isn't spending generally the issue. What can I say without saying too much? Then to top it all off the insults continue during the day at work. Really, I have never done a "bad" job over and over again. Though I am starting to put together the original complaints I was given about the person I replaced and seeing that in my boss' eyes I am failing just as she did. Maybe I will be unemployed again soon. No one communicates there (like home), when you mess up due to no or miscommunication, they chew your butt up and down and take no fault that they have done anything wrong, (like at home). Seriously how can I sit here and think that I am a fit wife or a fit HR person?


All anyone does is complain about me. Satin? Sure, but I am at the breaking point where I am ready to tell both these men to take it and shove it. I work my butt off at home; I work my butt off at work, with no relenting in all the mistakes that I make.........why am I here Lord? What is the lesson that you want me to learn through all of this? I feel lost, I pray and pray, I thought I had become better at listening to you but I cannot hear you. I feel as though you brought me through the fire just to throw me back in and this time I am alone. Still the same weights....my children. Meaning that any decision that I make affects them directly.

I have asked my husband to go to a Marriage class at church and he has agreed. I am hoping two things, well more, but let’s keep expectations low. One that he has a better understanding of my role and feelings in this marriage. That he understands after 17 years there are going to be a few squabbles, even out right fights, but that in the end you are supposed to come together, not blame and separate. Two, since this is a faith based class, that he finally finds what the rest of his family has found. Christ. Between you and me I wish more, but those are top on the list. I love Roger everyone do not misunderstand my words. I do however know what I would do with and without him. He has given me those unfortunate times where he has opened the door with the words and I had to travel down that road and wonder. So it's all worked out in my mind.

Being that I am a child of divorces and remarriages, I would rather make nice with the man for the next 16 years and then have him go on his way. He knows how I feel about this and claimed to share the same value on raising the kids. Once we had the kids, we had an agreement. They would grow up with their parents. However, with that said we still have to be good examples of husband and wife, mommy and daddy, and Christians. I do not want my boys to treat anyone the way my mother has been treated, or the way I have been treated on more than one occasion in front of my children.


I hope this marriage class he goes to with an open mind. Darn it they serve dinner, my first thought was to have a date before the first one so he goes in with a good attitude, and not with a closed mind. That is my fear, he will walk in knowing he is right, there is nothing they can teach him, and he is just going to make me happy. That is the fear. Please Lord let that not be the result. I need him to understand that he has fault, just as I too do things wrong. But what I have come to learn that he hasn't is......it is not always all about the one that did wrong. What having children taught me is that some things are just not worth it. I am now more concerned about the correction and the outcome, and learning from what happened. Listening to him....um sorry about this....Listening to him piss and moan for days about something that he has no control over, just keeps him angry, makes me crabby, and gives no resolution to the problem.

If it cannot be fixed, learn and move on. Let's take this morning as an example. This morning in a rush Roger backed over the transformer box in the front yard.....No power, and the kids were here with Candice. I was talking to Candice on her cell and I could hear him in the back ground swearing and cussing up a storm......What was done was done. I called and it was fixed in about 2 hours from when I called. Now the bad part....the bill could be $2500.00.......Yes that is Two thousand five hundred dollars that I do not have. There is nothing I can do about it, even when the bill comes....all I can do is look for options, but he will find a way to complain about it forever.....I think that is why he is so angry all the time. He lets all this stuff fester in him. Then he will wonder why I am in a bad mood.....duh?

By the way we are down 0-6 to Chicago.....now that is something to be upset about!!


On a fun note. Candice watched the boys today and they had a great time. Then Meagan came home and watched them until I could get home. They had a good time until the normal evening antics began.  So finally I got in there and let Meagan go off to the barn.  I have not heard from Roger, which if he needs someone to watch the kids tomorrow, you know I have not mastered reading minds yet so....umm it is almost 8:30??  Shouldn't I give Candice some warning?  A time perhaps?

Between Roger, the boss, and the Vikings I will take both kids alone without a nap at 8:30 - anytime!