And this too shall pass....: Trust and Learning......for you Mommy

Gammie & Bennie - Love through Food

This most is dedicated to my mom.

This week has been a hard one for me. I started taking the pill last week, and Meagan has told me it takes you a while to get used to. Also work......oh boy work. Just rediculous. Anal people that seem to have nothing better to do but knock you down for silly things. Then there was the blow out with the husband. All is better for now, but hoping that an outside source will help us understand each other better. In my heart I know we love each other, I know we love our boys, and I know that we both think that it's worth it to make things better, before they get bad.

If you read Mom's posts, or talk to Meagan you might get the wrong idea. Mom I do not think that you got your butt chewed. After I found out what happened, I wanted to call you, but my first response was to pray about it. Pretty good for me I think since I usually react first, then clean up or justify later. Maybe you misunderstood, or took what I was saying wrong. My lead in would be this. It was wrong to enlist or burden my youngest sister with the task of babysitting me through marriage classes. Do I think you only had the best intentions....YES. If I thought any differently, I would have reacted very very much with anger. I didn't. Last night I asked God how I should handle this. I told him that I forgave you for talking to Candice about the situation, because I still feel that it was none of her business and also a burden to her. She should not have to go and take a marriage class just to, well I am not sure why she would need to be there? So I think that those were my primary objections. Over the night it came to me. You were in fix mode, I understand that but you offered me different solutions, and I told you I had found one that I wanted to try, and if that worked or failed, then we would move forward from there.

I certainly do not think that Roger and I are in peril. I do not think he is leaving, and I know I am not leaving. So I guess the trust is that in this family, I feel like there are a lot of things that you confide in my about. Those stay with me. When you say don't tell Roger.....I don't. I do not tell Meagan, and I do not tell Candice, I do not even tell the Caribou people that don't even know you. I listen, I offer advice, and sometimes that is all you are looking for, a place to get it off your chest. Noteably, Sunday I was in a bad place. Probably brought on by my new meds, but I needed to here you tell me it would be ok, and that we would get through it. You did your job well. I believed that it would be alright. Enough so that I went and napped with Tucker and managed to have a calm and rational talk with Roger when he came home.

When I spoke with you this morning I think that I pointed out that I loved you, I think that I pointed out that I forgave you for talking to Candice about it, and even Meagan today. Don't get why you would talk to her about it after Candice, but whatever. It is what it is. Just did not need the whole family involved in my personal life and my marriage. Really that is something that I guard very closely and most of the time only share with you, and have even dialed back some of the things I tell you in fear that you will judge Roger.

I know none of us are perfect especially me. I make mistakes everyday, and my boss would concur. But I guess what could be chalked up to my mistake, I should have specifically said, please keep this to yourself and I did not do that. My fault. My question for you this morning was simple. Why did we feel that someone who did not know what was going on, and that has a totally different realtionship with her husband would be someone that needed to be involved. Sometimes the more people that get their 2 cents in the more problems that get created. They then judge Roger, when they shouldn't, well it just turns into a mess. You answered my question and that was that. I dropped it and didn't even think of it again until I got home and was told about your "ass chewing". Now I know where Meagan gets that from.

The question I think is do I distrust you. No the answer is No. I do wonder if before you acted, if you prayed about the situation. See you had already done me a service. You talked me off of the ledge I was on. You made me feel like there was still hope and a reason for me to be here, and that is what I needed. That gave me the strength I needed to deal with my husband when he came home, and the hope that things would work out. Remembering that God has a plan, and that I needed to listen to him and follow his lead.

You gave me all these things. See you are looking at it all wrong. You did not fail me, but you achieved success. We talked, we came up with a plan. This week with Roger has been nice. I mean he has been working from sun up to moon down. Usually not making it home until after 10pm. But today, today was that glimmer of hope I was waiting for. He called me. Everything had started off badly for him this morning. He needed to be on site by 9, but Candice was running late. Something I explained was just what it was. He's run late before.....it happens. I was sorry that it made him late, but let's move on. Then it just snowballed (sorry for the snow reference), but it got worse, complaints, equipment malfuntions, employees showing up late. It was just bad. So he called me to complain, and while he was going on and on, I listened, I agreed, I tried to offer strength. Then he said " I am sorry, I know you have a lot going on too, and are stressed out, I don't mean to complain to you." After the initial shock, WOW, had he picked up on something. Has he come to some understanding, YES, God won out over Satin. My husband had compassion for me, he knew that I was having a hard time too and then continued to ask me how my day was going. I was happy.

So there is hope here, and like I said I have to keep a positive attitude so that this experience will be successful. So have faith, do I trust you? Of course I trust you. Do I think that this could have been handled differently. Yes, however, have I ever handled something wrong. Absolutely. That is why I cannot judge you for your actions, just wish that it had been handled differently. Can we learn from this, sure we should learn from everything right? Do I love you......Without Question. I would never stop loving you.

So please read and think about today differently. God was there, otherwise I would have been the old me, angry, rude, and unforgiving. That is not how I feel or how I acted. Well I cannot say more than what I have said. Thank You Lord for blessing me with a good family that would go to the ends of the earth for me......and do. Thank You Lord for blessing me with those beautful babies, I call my sons, and proudly. Thank You Lord for blessing me with a husband willing to try new things and work on a 17 year realtionship so that we can make it better and learn ways to avoid these blow outs in the future. Lord please bless our Marriage Classes, and bless our Women's retreat with new bonds and new understandings of what you want for us in this life.

Mommy I love you.

Carrie Ann