Garrett Micheal was born with much anticipation. I was so excited that we would the boys, my boys would have yet another cousin to to play and grow with. Early on we learned that Garrett had a rare condition called Vein of Galen. There are 400 children in the WORLD, of those cases I learned that only 30 of them would be in the US. Our little Garrett was one of 400. What are the odds I thought. Garrett had to under go 2 surgeries to coterize some of the veins to control the blood flow, and all went well and we were happy. Then just days before our annual Christmas celebration, Mindi let us know that they were going to do a 3rd procedure, and to be honest, I really had no worry. As always I prayed for the procdure to go well, and just expected to hear that he was recovering and that he would go home soon. I just had no idea that he would be going "HOME". There was internally bleeding that could not be controlled and our precious little warrior as Grandma calls him, passed away.
When I first learned the news around 830 or so last night, I think that I was numb to the information. I prayed for Mindi, who is my sister and her husband Chris, but was not really upset. I think I had not ingested it. It was not until I read Mindi's blog which you can get to from mine if you would like to follow Garrett's brief story. I heard her anger, and then it became personal for me. I believe in God with my whole heart. But as a mother of two young children I understood. Then I felt guilty. My Mindi? Why did she have to go through this?
Why couldn't I help, why was a baby, so innocent, so beautiful, so perfect, why him? I understand that we are not in control of our lives. I understand that God has a plan for all of us, and this was obviously the plan that God had chosen for Garrett. I feel cheated. My sisters and I had wanted to visit the family and Baby Garrett at Thanksgiving, but we wanted to not invade on the time for mom and baby to be together. So we did not go.....we regret this decision deeply.
So even with my faith, it was my husband Roger that offered me the answer that had not come into my thought process yet. Maybe he was taken now, before he could endure severe pain and suffering. With the question of possible brain damaged that could have occured maybe his quality of life would have been greatly deminshed. Maybe this was the lesser of 2 evils. Maybe God needed him more in heaven than earthly bound.
Still as I drove into mom and Martin's I sobbed uncontrolably. It wasn't until after I talked with Martin that I relized why I was so upset. I was grieving for Mindi. I could actually feel the pain and wanted to be able to take it all away from her and the fact that I couldn't was killing me. I knew exactly how I would feel if anything were to happen to one of the boys. I wanted to scoop Mindi up and just take her to I don't know where. But then I also felt quilty. Why did I have my boys and she didn't. By far Mindi is a better person than I am. Why her?
At the end of today, I understood many things. Everyday with my family is precious. I think that I like many take for granted what I have and who gave those things to me. I understand that I need to take more time to love the boys and work harder on my patience with the boys. I give up too quickly and I lose my temper too quickly and now my kids are scared of me and that is not what or how I want to spend my unknown amount of time with these creatures that I love more than any in this world.
Christmas today at the Rossing place was nice, somber, lacking something. Namely our sister Mindi, and her husband Chris, and her children Jonathan and Garrett.
If you take anything away from this entry please take this:
1. We are not in Control as much as we think we are, God is.
2. Time and Life is precious and unknown, so dance, live, learn and love. Don't put it off until tomorrow what you can do today.
3. Understand that although we are Christians, we are still human, it is ok to be angry, it is ok, to have the feelings that you have.
4. LOVE.......don't waste your time being angry or hating others. Your life is too short, and you do not know how much of it you have left. What would you regret if your husband, child, mother, or you, what would be left unanswered?
Mindi and Chris (Jonathan too): We love you. Unconditioanlly and with no strings attached. We know that you are in a dark, hard, stressful place right now, and that you may be there for awhile. I want to be the one to tell you that it's ok. Question why, go through all the emotions you need to in order to heal. Take our time and do not let anyone rush you passed what you are feeling today. Though it's hard the only thing that I could think of that would get me out of bed after this happened to me, but then it came to me, the other child. He only knows that you are upset, and wants to make you better. Bennie knew I was upset today and clung to me like white on rice. It was sweet, I know its hard to say, but find comfort in Jonathan, he will love you no matter how you are feeling or why you are upset. If you need anything, anything at all you should feel free to call at anytime, work, home or cell.........This will be the hardest thing that you will ever have to experience, with time it will heal, though never completely, it will become more tollerable.
We love you all
No comments:
Post a Comment