Regrets and Repents

Without a doubt this weekend was a tough weekend.  The boys were sick and aware of the "Mommy Buttons" to push.  I was short on patience, and as a result handled the babies a little more sternly than I should have.  I started to doubt why I had kids and the things that I thought I was missing out on.

Then came reflection tonight in my prayers.  I had to beg for forgiveness.  I was wrong.  In a moment or moments of weakness I gave in to Satin and took for granted the gifts that I had been given.  This has taught me a pretty powerful lesson.

I prayed long and hard to be blessed with children.  It's all I ever wanted.  With everything going on with people that are in my family and friends that I know, unruly children is the least of my problems and should still be considered a blessing at the end of the day.  Mom told me once, that maybe God did not want me to have children.  A hard pill to swallow.  Why would he deny someone who so much just wanted to love and cherish a little one as much as I did.  I forgot how much I prayed and ask for the things that I have.  Now I have them; 2 beautiful, heathly, loving children.  When it comes down to it they are what they are 2 and 4, and as so they act like they are 2 and 4.  Lord forgive me for taking for granted the beautiful gifts that you felt I deserved.

It occured to me as I prayed for others that I could have never concieved a child, never mind 2.  That I could have never known what it was like to hear, " I love you mommy" or get that kiss from Bennie when I fake cry.  That I could have missed out on the first steps, first words, first day of school, and beautiful family pictures, that included Spongebob, Spiderman, and Thomas the Tank Engine.  I had not thought about how I would feel if tomorrow they were not there, and I had to go through the rest of my life without seeing what their full potential was or could have been.

Boys you mean more to me than a night out with the girls, you mean more to me than the ability to sleep in until 9am, and you mean more to me than the new movie at the theatre with buttered popcorn and a diet coke.  I moew enjoy making corn at home, filling up the cups with juice and sitting on the floor with pillows and blankets watching Spiderman 3 or Mickey's Christmas Carol staying up late and cuddling in the chair.  Mommy loves you more than any of those things.  One day, it won;t be cool anymore to have popcorn and cuddle with mommy.  That day will come all to soon.  So I will remember more everyday from here on out how important these days are and how I should never again take for granted the gifts named Tucker James and Bennett Roger that God has graciously given to me, and trusted to my care for my entire life.

Lord thank you for making me realize that there is more joy to be found in a baby's admoration of his mommy than a new movie or a night alone, or a sleep in.  I will love you forever and ever and I promise to try harder to be a better mommy and a better person.