It's been a long weekend. To say a nice 3 day weekend would be a stretch. As you have read we lost a very young and precious soul on Friday. God called our little Garrett home 1 day shy of his 1 month birthday. At first the news was not real. I did not have the great privilege of meeting this little man that Grandma calls her "Little Warrior". After looking at some of his pictures you could tell he was tired. He was so precious. If you see my blog please check out my sister's blog, she kept a time line and updates on Garrett's ordeal. http://melindaklein.blogspot.com.
Garrett Michael has given or should I say forced me to take stock and reevaluate my behavior, my values, and my complaints. For weeks leading up to our poor Garrett's passing, all I could do was complain. I know I have the dreaded PMS, but still......Roger was been gone a lot, which has left me alone with both boys 2 and 4. They have been on a mission to break me, I swear it. But you know looking back they are 2 and 4. So they are acting 2 and 4. So here I am complaining, while my sister is trying to hold her new family together, with a baby at home and one in the hospital. Mindi is really someone that I envy. Holding all that together while I cannot even manage 2 kids running around and yelling Choo Choo...not going to bed waking up at all hours 2am, 4am. What kind of a jerk am I? I am really that ungrateful? Do I really take the things that I have been given for granted. Well I think you can find the answer here.....YES!
Driving to my folks for Christmas I have never felt so guilty about having 2 healthy children. Why me? What makes me so different from Mindi and Chris? They are loving and deserving, and quite so more than I am. Why did this tragedy fall on them? Why can't I fix it, why can't I help them? What can I do? What should I not do? There are all these questions and degrees of guilt and helplessness.
So tonight as I prayed, I decided that I always ask for things in my prayer list. Please let it snow, please let me do well at work; please let me get through this or that. I always thank God when he comes through, but I decided tonight that with as long as my prayer list is, I was going to make a Thankful/Thanks List.
I thanked God for getting Roger and his truck through this snowfall since we have been having alternator problems. I thank God for the opportunity to grow closer to my sisters Shelly and Mindi. I thanked God for my healthy, yet spirit filled children that greet me with Mommy, Mommy every night when I come home. There are so many things to be grateful for, and I have decided that I am changing my prayer process. I am going to spend the same amount of time thanking him as I do asking for blessings.
Fact of the matter. Garrett has done something personally for me in his short time here. He has taught me the importance of being grateful for what you have and not taking it for granted. You know I lost a baby between Tucker and Ben, but I guess I never really grieved the loss; I took for granted that I could have another. How self centered, and full of myself was I.
So before I close with a message to the Kliens, I want to say this. Lord thank you for blessing me with a husband that has been around for 17 years and is still here. He has his quirks, but he is a good man. Thank you Lord for blessing me with Tucker and Bennett. I would be lost without them. Bennie's full face smile and blue eyes that light up a room from darkness. Tucker's evil silly giggle that can correct any bad day. And the I love you mommy, and "yes sir mom" that he has just begun to say. Thank You Lord for my family, my mother who is forgiving, insightful, loving, and helping. Sisters that want me to be around. New relationships with some, and stronger with others. There are so many more that it will take me hours to list them.
Mindi, Chris, & Jonathan:
It was Roger that provided me with some of the most consoling words. He said that, we would not know what was in store for little Garrett in the future. Would more pain be in his future, would or could he have suffered some perm brain trauma that would heavily impact his quality of life? Maybe it was best for him to go now, and suffer no more.
While I totally get that prospective, while I understand that God has a plan and was trying to save Garrett from a harder life than he needed, the Mommy in me bleeds with pain and anguish for you. I know that even though we believe these things, right now it cannot help but ask most likely the same questions that you are. Why? What I can offer is this. You were blessed with a month. A month in order to watch over him, tell him he is loved, introduce him to his family, Jonathan, Grandmas, Grandpas. So he really was blessed too, he got that chance to meet and be held by those that loved him the most. I feel cheated that I did not get the chance to meet him. I love to watch his video and pour over his pictures over and over again.
In my next post I will explain what happened with Tucker, and how I know that God's hand is in everything.
We love you, and we are here for you, no matter what you need or what. Just ask.
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